An open letter to the a** face that stole my bike:

Dear Sh!t Head,

Thank you so very much for bringing me back to reality from that fuzzy marshmallow yummy place that I had been occupying.   Thanks for the one-way-ticket to Suckyville mister!  Here I was, believing that one of my most prized possessions would be safe from sticky-fingered little bastards if it were parked ON MY OWN DAMN FRONT PORCH!!  Silly me.  I guess you must have woken up that morning after a meth fueled clown molesting drinking binge the night before and heard those demons in your mulleted head telling you that all would be well as long as you could find a mint condition vintage Schwinn in a beautiful orange with starbursts, a bell and a mighty handy removable basket on the front.  Did you stop and question yourself as you walked up my front steps with the intent to physically remove my property?  Didn't that drunken over-medicated and under-educated mother of yours teach you anything?  You don't f@ck  with a man's car and you don't f@ck with a girl's bike.  Take that little tid-bit of advice and stick it where the sun don't shine man, that is if you can get the 13 gerbils and midget you stole from the circus out of there first.  I hope you realize that there is a special place in hell for the low-life bottom-feeders like yourself who steal other people's bikes-it's on the same block with people who drown puppies or have sex with goats.  Well, at least you won't have to make new friends!

And so dear motherhumper, if your world is so terrible that the only way you have to get your probation meetings is by riding on a stolen bike then I wish nothing for you but this:

I hope you wake up tomorrow to the fact that a rabid wolverine has gnawed off your manhood and has eaten it for breakfast only to decide that you taste like sh!t and has regurgitated it into your mouth and when it dawns on your pock-marked brain what has happened and you go to ride to the hospital before you bleed to death from your bloody mangled crotch, you realize that someone has stolen your bike.