HELP WANTED

Household looking for indentured servants to provide extensive "Off-Spring Support."

Duties will include: 

-The wiping of asses-because the underwear in our house has more skid marks than a NASCAR racetrack.

-The cleaning of plates-which means that you will often be dining on Chicken Marsala, homemade lasagna, quiche and other "disgusting" foul concoctions that have taken hours to prepare and contain all of the needed food groups but don't look like corn dogs and so are thus inedible.

-The picking up of bedrooms -this job with require a strong back and an even stronger stomach as at least one Off-Spring ignores the "NO FOOD IN THE BEDROOMS" rule and has apparently been cultivating Penicillin under his bed and there must be some kind of rumor going around that in the middle of the night the Laundry Fairy comes and taps the mountain of stinky foulness wadded in the corner and it magically disappears from the floor and then reappears clean and folded in the dresser drawers-if you see her, please tell that bitch that she keeps forgetting my room!!

-The running of important documents -ie bringing homework notebooks to school "Like right NOW!" because I guess Dungeons and Dragons is now a subject and forgetting a bunch of random numbers scribbled repeatedly on 100 sheets of papers will result in the loss of warrior powers or cause you to be molested by a level 4 troll monster thingy.

-Waste Removal -since most of our household has contracted selective blindness and finds it impossible to see the dirty underwear laying in the middle of the hallway or the sink over-flowing with ketchup coated plates you will need to be constantly following your Off-Spring with a snow shovel, disinfectant spray and a bio-hazard bag.

The pay for this position is non-existent, do not expect thanks or respect.  This is a full-time position, 24 hours a day 7 days a week with extra effort expected on all holidays and on week-ends when The Offspring are crabby and insolent from too much sugar and caffeine but refuse to sleep because there are video games to play and filth to be made.  There is no retirement packages as you will surely slit your wrists far before then and all time-off requests will be denied with maniacal laughter.